I dedicate this post to my beautiful angel, my mother Constance Vanessa Tucker. I will always love you...
(wipes tears)
On August 26, 2017 at 12:11pm, a foundational part of me died...
It was a Saturday. We had been at the hospital every single day for two weeks straight. To be honest, it was the last place I wanted to be. But that's the reality of having a parent in hospice - every day could be the day. It's all about when they decide to stop holding on and transition into eternity. So the last thing you want is to decide not to go to the hospital and then that's the day they decide to pass away. I was up already, but we had planned to go to the hospital later in the day, so I was just up trying to clean the house a little. Melissa and Langston were relaxing on the couch. Gracie was barking and being obnoxious, per usual. And then the phone rang, the call was from the hospice company. I took a deep breath...
As the hospice worker delivered the devastating yet expected news, I forced a sound from my mouth, thanked her for calling, and prepared myself to tell my family the news. I took several deep sighs and breaths as I scrolled through the phonebook for my dad's number. I grabbed my shaky left hand with my shaky right one, trying to steady myself to tell my dad that his best fried, lover, and heartbeat of 40 years was gone. I'm trying to steady my hands to type this even now, because it's the first time I've talked about this since it happened. I made phone call after phone call. I kept the list short, because I didn't want anyone outside of our family to know until I got to the hospital and my dad was okay with it. I arranged for a ride to the hospital, and proceeded to get showered and dressed. I don't even remember stepping into the shower, but minutes later I was brushing my teeth and Fred Hammond's hit song I Will Trust started playing on my phone.
And that's when it hit me...
I went numb. I went cold. I went lame. I grabbed the sink, held on for dear life, and cried a cry that rose from my toes, traveled throughout my entire body, and erupted from my mouth and my tear ducts. It was as if every emotional response attached itself to my pain on it's way to my tear ducts and mouth, so much so that, when I started I couldn't stop for minutes. I cried so hard that I lost my breath. I started screaming out "Why?" "Why her?" "I want my momma back! I want my momma back!!!" Melissa came into the bathroom, and silently but lovingly wrapped her arms around me, and held me up as I wept. I wept like a baby. I went for a few more minutes, and then stopped. I took two deep breaths, wiped my nose and face, and continued to brush my teeth. I got dressed, and we went to the hospital. I loved on every single one of my family members. I thanked the hospice staff for their assistance, and I loved on the nurses who were just as devastated as we were. We had a beautiful memorial service for my mother two weeks later.
Then something weird happened...
I started receiving phone calls, texts, emails, and Facebook comments about how impressed people were with me. People were saying that I handled everything beautifully, and that I made my mother proud with the service I put together. Relatives were in awe of my poise and collectiveness throughout the entire ordeal. I was told on multiple occasions that I was very efficient, very organized, and that I led my family though this unbearable moment. It wasn't until weeks later that these comments took root in my heart, and forced me to ask the inevitable question: How did I get through that? The answer immediately came to me: I prepared myself in the 11th hour!
What is the 11th hour?
The 11th hour is the hour before midnight. (Duh, LOL) More specifically, the 11th hour is the darkest time in your life, right before light starts to break through. The 11th hour is that moment in life where your life's circumstances seem to surely be getting ready to wipe you out for good, once and for all. It's when everything that could go wrong, does go wrong. In the 11th hour, you have to make a decision. That decision will determine what happens next in your life.
My 11th hour wasn't August 26, it was August 15...
That's when I got the phone call that sank my heart. On August 14, my mother was transported by ambulance to the hospital. She had recently overcome liver cancer, but it had returned with a vengeance. As she lay in the hospital getting every imaginable test, my dad called me to tell me that he would be picking me up from work and taking me directly to see her. I remember sitting in her observation room, and looking in her eyes I asked her point blank, "Is there anything you're not telling us about your health?" She smiled and assured me that she had told us everything. The next day, on August 15th, I received a call from her doctor. He said the words that would plunge me into my 11th hour:
"I don't know how to tell you this..."
"...kidney's started failing..."
"...too fast and aggressive..."
"...we can't even attempt dialysis..."
"...liver cancer combined with the kidney failure..."
"...unbeatable..."
"...I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do..."
I don't know about you, but when I tell you that I wasn't ready to hear those words!!! I stuttered and choked for air as I tried to ask questions. You know, simple questions like, "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!?" "YOU SAID IT WAS PROBABLY DEHYDRATION LAST NIGHT!!!" "SO ARE YOU SAYING MY MOM IS ABOUT TO DIE?!?!?!?!?" I immediately composed myself long enough to apologize for yelling, got the needed information, hung up, and took the deepest breath I'd ever taken in my life. I had to quickly digest what this man just said to me. He just told me that the best mom on this side of heaven was getting ready to die, and that it could happen in a matter of hours. So now on top of everything else, I have to inform my dad and the entire family that their sister, aunt, grandmother, mother, and wife was about to die. Oh by the way... I'm still at work when this happens! So now I have to get a ride to the hospital ASAP, because I can't type another letter, let alone help anyone outside of my family right now. This is the mother of all emergencies!!!
Why am I telling you all of my business? Because it's important to know that what you do in you darkest moments will shape the things that come next in your life. See, I had to choose how to act in that moment very carefully, because it was going to have repercussions later. If I had decided to act crazy, falling out everywhere, angry at the world, then my mother's memorial might not have been what it was. If I had decided to shut everyone out when she died, then I might not have had the overwhelming support of friends and family that I had. If I had decided to stop talking to God, even if I thought I was justified in my mind, I would've tarnished my relationship with Him. If I chose different actions in my 11th hour, I would have gotten different results.
Every person has an 11th hour in their life. I am being as transparent as I can be to help you understand that how you act in the 11th hour will determine what happens next. I was very angry with God. I felt like he stole my mother from me. I didn't want to pray, didn't want to sing anymore, didn't want to do anything. But, if I had chosen that course of action, what would've happened in my marriage? My ministry? My family? I'll share a life lesson with you right here: Your life matters to too many people for you to be selfish. You don't know how your life affects others. Your strength and resilience in difficult times may be the catalyst for someone else finding their strength. Your poise in turbulent situations may be what keeps someone else from losing their minds. Don't you see, your life isn't about you! Your life is the standard for so many others that you aren't even aware of!
You cannot stop the 11th hour from coming, it's inevitable. But you can choose how you go through it. And your choice, whatever that may be, will not only bring you through the 11th hour, but it will chart the course of life after the 11th hour passes. Make sure that you don't set a course for self-destruction...
What will you do in the darkest hour of life?
I'm just sayin'...
TRT
